woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”