Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.