Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Who wants to be my Valentine?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.