Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL