woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
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My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Um … Hot Wings please
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.