Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast