Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.