Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.