Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Why am I like this?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.