Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I don’t think my car can fly
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…