Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉