Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]