Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.