Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
and now we wait
