Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.