Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

The hardest thing Vision has to do

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.