Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.