Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.