Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.