Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
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The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.