Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

I stand by it

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.