Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
brian had himself a morning…
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I’M CRYINGGG
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!