Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And now we wait

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.