woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
How to wake up a Beagle
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction