Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.