Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.