Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
synchronized noseblowing
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY