Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
You Might Also Like
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Received some very disappointing news today
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.