Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
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Has science gone too far?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
🤣🤣💀
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
what are they serving at kfc then???
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements