Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
That eye roll….
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store