Woke up with morning Yule Log
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If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”