Woke up with morning Yule Log
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Guilty! 🤪
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.