Woke up with morning Yule Log
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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me