Woke up with morning Yule Log
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Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Buck naked
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.