Woke up with morning Yule Log
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*