Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.