Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.