Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.