Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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North and South
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
never forget
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire