Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.