Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice