Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

How does someone manage that 🤨

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?