[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
calling in to work dehydrated
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
*puts cutlery down*
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…