Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.