Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
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POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well