Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

brian had himself a morning…

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

😂👽

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.