Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Here’s a meme
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
work smarter, not harder
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old