Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?