Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.