Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.