wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
nature’s most graceful animal
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!