Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.