Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby