Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me