Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]