Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
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[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My birth announcement for our third baby
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light