Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend