Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.