Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.