Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
you will never know the true number of layers
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Pikachu found the lost joint
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Storm Tropical Storm
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.