Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no