Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.