Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

Ha.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.