Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.