Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.