Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies