Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.