Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

These are my roll models.

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?