Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
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Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re