Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days