Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

dude it’s called proctologist

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.