Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

#titanic

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?