Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Perfection.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.