Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I’ve disappointed better people.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty