Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
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I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
scenes of unspeakable carnage
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Doggies just call it style.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?