Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to