Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”