Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.